I put the whine in wine.
Kind of a good Samaritan, terrible athlete, but extremely blessed in the napping skills department.
Gifted napper, talker, and ice cream eater.
Messy bun and having fun.
I’m so deep even the ocean gets jealous.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – but I’m stuck on this chapter.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
You’re right, I’m not perfect. But I’m unique!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, man! Breathe!”
Living one day at a time, with a fresh-baked cookie. Okay. And with a coffee. And maybe some chocolate. But I promise to take my vitamins.
The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!
Home is where Wi-Fi connects automatically.
Life's uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I apologize for anything I post while hungry.
All of my jokes land…somewhere.
Sometimes, the voices in your head are right.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect!
I’m an example to others — a bad example.
Come over to the dark side. We’ve got beer.
